The Road to Italy Part II
I was never confident in who I was. My parents got divorced when I was very young, and my childhood circumstances were… volatile.
I struggled to develop a firm identity, because as a child, I had learned it was safer to adapt. I became a social chameleon, who was always “down for whatever” and blamed any feelings of discontent or unhappiness on myself.
This manifested itself as crippling anxiety, which reached a peak in 2019. I have since come to find that anxiety is often a signal that I disconnected or lacking trust in myself.
In March of 2020 (oddly enough), my life had reached a place of stability where I felt safe enough to go off medication. I had been prescribed ADHD medication (aka some variation of Adderall) and anti-depressants for the prior 7 years.
This is relevant because going off medication changed my relationship to alcohol.
I could no longer rely on medication to combat my hangover anxiety. It was perplexing to experience the sensation I hated the most (anxiety) due to something I was consciously doing to myself (drinking.)
I experimented with giving up alcohol completely, taking a month off here and there, but was insecure in my commitments, so these dry sprints never lasted very long.
Despite all the improvement and progress I had seen in my life between 2019 and 2021, I was still deeply unhappy with myself.
This came to a head with my grandmother's words in Vegas.
"You can't have both."
I backed out of a bachelorette party in Croatia shortly after getting back from my work trip, which set off all my deepest wounds and cruelest inner dialogue.
I felt like a stranger to my life; every decision I made was met with internal conflict, especially that one.
(Flexing with my Mock-jito even though I was secretly super anxious in this photo)
Part III coming soon
xoxo,
