Points of no Return

I found this post in my unpublished blog post drafts and was struck by the honesty.. I'm still having a bit of writers block, so i'll let this post speak for itself. Enjoy- sending love from Greece. 

xoxo,

Allison

(Originally written August 2, 2022)

I feel like I have been running every day since I got out of the hospital.

Desperate for my energy to return.

Desperate for direction in my business.

Desperate to find answers to the questions of why my life doesn't look like what I want it to.

My time in Portugal has not gone according to plan, as I'm sure you've figured out by now.

I've spent my days in quiet introspection and my nights in bed by 9pm. I've journaled nearly 5 pages per day. I've scripted about what I wanted my life to look like in a year. I've scripted about how amazing, refreshed energized and focused I was going to feel once I returned home. I've fantasized about all the unsuspecting ways taking this leap of faith and coming on this trip was going to improve my life

But today, I finally felt a sense of total alignment. I may not have everything figured out, but I know that I have what it takes to make it through. I will be victorious, as I have been with every other battle in life.

The peace I feel in my heart at this very moment was exactly why I came to Portugal; I wanted to find a way to make peace with me. 

I thought back to the things I once desired and now possess. 

Did I really think I’d never make it to NYC? Did I really think I’d never pay off my debt? Did I really think I’d be stuck living in my Dad’s house in Waxhaw forever?

As I sat typing, about nothing, and everything, I found a sense of total gratitude for my life and all the misfortunes that had created one of the most unsuspecting best days of my life.

I woke up at Vila Petra, a 3-star hotel in Albufeira, a town in the Portuguese Algarve, and the vibes were just off. I made my way to the overpriced breakfast, drank the watered down coffee, went back to my room, opened my laptop for the first time in a week and a half on the overheated balcony, took pills for my allergic reaction and and fell back asleep.

I gave myself the necessary time and space to rest, and as a result the desire to create and share and grow overpowered my desire to be scared. 

 It overpowered my desire to fear the worst and hail mary pray it somehow all worked out, which is the way I was used to living my life. 

When I felt that rash reactivating on my eyes and throat, I went into “oh hell no” mode.

 Not today.

At 9am on an 11am checkout, I packed my bags, booked the hotel room I wanted, got in the car and drove. Google maps hijacked my GPS, and in frustration I let out the biggest primal scream I’ve ever let out in my life. Followed by another one. And another one. And one more for good measure.

My throat hurt from how loud I was screaming. I’ve never been able to scream like that in my entire life. And just like that, the pain, powerlessness, frustration, guilt anger shame blame suffering.. vanished. And there I was at the Hotel Alisios, leaving Vila Petra, the ill fitting everything wrong hotel in the dust, and I felt a sense of newfound freedom.

The way I felt in booking that new hotel was so expansive and aligned and it lit me the f*ck up. Nothing that feels this good could be wrong.

 Instead of feeling guilt for going over budget, I felt grateful I had the power to make that choice. It’s as if my higher self marched up to that counter herself and said “we’re done settling for less. Allison is in control now.

I booked the hotel room I wanted even though it was $130 more than my nightly budget. When I got to the hotel room, my heart literally sang. You can't put a price on that. 

“It’s what you ordered” the guy at the front desk kept saying, clearly taken aback by how surprised I was to be receiving what I wanted. It had everything, down to the ocean view.

As I sat on the rooftop in the sunshine, music playing in the distance, thinking about what might have been, I knew that I was living out my best case scenario.

 My flawed existence felt perfect.

I changed from a pale pink bathing suit to a bright magenta one. I took off my tan shorts and put on a vibrant tribal print. I was no longer looking to blend in. I was no longer looking to hide. I no longer felt the need to cover up my scars with makeup or to justify my wins as blind luck.

I no longer felt the need to dull my shine with alcohol to make the people around me feel less weird. I felt fully committed to myself and my purpose and I knew that whoever was meant to be on this journey with me would be there.

For the first time, maybe ever, I knew I was going to be able to figure it all out. I knew it was already figured out, even if just on a subconscious level.

I knew Meeko and Spider were safe and I would find a way for our relationship to thrive. I knew the three of us would find a way to live in peace and harmony and I would grow to love my home again.

 I knew my home would come to feel like a place of inspiration—a refuge in the middle of Manhattan.

I knew the perfect people would enter my life.
I knew becoming the love of my own life would bring forth my big love. I knew it would all be perfect, especially in hindsight.

And so it was.

Being in Portugal on that rooftop sun shining, burn setting in, I finally knew I was put on this planet for a reason.

I knew to stop wishing away my big mission and to start giving myself permission to pursue it.

And so it begins. 

xoxo,