Day Two: R O M A - It Isn't Always "All or Nothing," "This or That"

Lesson: Not everything is all or nothing, this or that 

My soul led me to an Italian church service. I take no conscious ownership of this decision—I can’t even tell you the last time I even went to mass. I attempted to go to the coliseum for a tour on that Sunday morning, but it was sold out in English, so I wandered around the campus and before I knew it, I stumbled into a church. I was lured in by the beautiful service in Italian.

For those who know me, I’ve really connected to my spirituality over the past few years. I’ve probably offered you an energy reading or have sent you reiki. Maybe I’ve saged your apartment, gifted you a crystal or guided you through a meditation. For me, my spiritual practice has been my way of managing my mental health, particularly my anxiety, and it’s become an important part of who I am.

 I wasn’t particularly surprised to find myself in a church; my grandmother had guided me on this trip, after all, and she was a devout Catholic. Her faith got her through the dark times, just as mine had. I was however, surprised that I stayed for the entire mass.

I sat on a bench in the back of the church and closed my eyes for a few minutes in meditation. I felt my Grandma beside me, and I felt all my Italian angels, thinking again, of all of the compounded moments it took to bring me to this exact moment. I was also consciously thinking—wtf are you doing? Are you even allowed to be here? Let’s leave!

But on that bench I stayed. Something within me had no desire to move. I don’t know where they came from, but tears started to roll down my face and I just knew everything was going to be ok. It felt like a deep inner healing.

I went on to have one of the best days of my trip. I ate incredible food and drank incredible wine and Aperol Spritz. I made wishes in the Trevi Fountain. I uncovered parts of myself I never even realized were part of my Italian heritage. I went shopping on Via del Corso and bought 2 new pairs of shoes and all new bras (because hello, Italy?!) and I took myself out to a fancy seafood dinner that was totally overpriced but totally well deserved.

 I’ve mentioned a few times in my earlier posts about confusion surrounding my feelings towards / alcohol and identifying times in my life when I wanted to remain sober. I don’t have an alcohol addiction, I’m just someone who likes to feel and perform my best and hangovers really trigger my anxiety. I’ve realized I’m someone who can drink alcohol when it’s conscious and deliberate; if I’m doing it because I think I should or because I’m worried people will think I’m weird if I don’t, non va bene. No good.

 After the incidents I described yesterday, I was sober for nearly 2 months. I didn’t feel it was something I desired to maintain permanently, at least not at this point in my life. Italy was kind of my last hurrah for awhile, and I am now in another sober flare so I can focus on creating my brand.

I’m not sure how long this one will last, but I trust my intuition with these things. Feel free to comment / send me a message if you’ve experienced something similar or have any questions. I’m not expert and again, I’m not struggling with an addiction, but this is something I have found serves me well, even if it still a little tricky to explain.  

All this to say, it’s not always either or, this or that. You can be spiritual and still feel welcome at church. You can prefer to prefer not to drink at home and indulge on vacation. Don’t put yourself in a box—you already have enough people trying to do that to you <3